Let's Try This Again......

So tomorrow I go to chemo to try once again to get chemo. I will get my blood drawn and if my levels are good I will get it. Doing my 1st 2 weeks of nursing class at home due to the amount of pain I am in. Thanks giving was good got to be with the family and not in the hospital so that's always a plus.

Storm before the calm?.......

So i know that the saying goes the calm before the storm but I feel like I am living that backwards. I find out I am in remission and me and my doctor decide to be careful and do 2 more chemo's hoping it would give me more time in remission. I tried to get excited about the thought of getting better and was starting to until I went to get chemo today......

I had some chest pain yesterday at school but thought nothing of it and been a little dizzy but again thought nothing of it. So they got my port ready and drew some blood for the lab. I waited for the results and all of a sudden one of my nurses hurry's over and tells me that my WBC, RBC and platelets are VERY very low. To add to that lovely news I was so anemic that I am having heart palpitations. Tomorrow I go and get another blood transfusion and yes for those who are counting I just had one 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. So we will try chemo again next week but I am just glad that we found this now and not when the pain in my chest was so bad that I ended up in the ER.

Hopefully things will calm down soon.

Remission.......

So on November 15th 2011 I was surprisingly told that I Heidi Graham am in remission. Me and the doctor where equally surprised. I was told there was no research on where I am right now because of the type of cancer I have and it being SOOO far along. So i will do 2 more chemo's just to make sure there isn't any thing that we can't see.

At first I was just scared because I know it WILL come back, even the doctor say's it will. but after about a week I think I am at a better place. I want to have a remission party with my girl friends and drink and giggle and just have fun and celebrate being able to be a woman again VERY soon. By new years I should be well on my way to feeling great, i will never forget that I have cancer but for a while I just want to focus on being a woman and being a mommy and being empowered to celebrate both. I am on a mission!

Update.....

So had the blood transfusion last Friday and ended up getting sick with brocituis woo hoo right? I go on Friday to get 3 ct scans to look at my progression and to see if maybe I am in remission. I'll know on the 15th which is crazy because that is my baby girl Trinity's 4th Birthday. But toight I was watching the CMA's and Martina sang her song " Im gonna love you threw it" I cry every time I hear this song. I guess because I feel like no matter what no one can "love me" threw it. Nothing is gonna change, nothing is going to get easier even though I have spent a year thinking it would. I am sure people are getting tired of taking care of me and of my kids, especially when I am sitting right there but they have to deal with them because I can't. Maybe I am just starting to feel liking an "inconvenience".

Faith Healing?......

So there is a man named Todd Bentley that claims that he can heal people of cancer, blindness, and other things that are terminally ill. Tomorrow I have my last chemo and I will have test done to see if I am in remission but I know my body. I am not in remission. I want to believe that there are people who threw god can cure people of cancer like this man claims he can but I find it hard to believe because if you have this wonderful gift then why would you make people pay for it? The people who need healing are poor people, people who can't afford the meds when medicaid stops paying for them, people who have no insurance at all. I want to be a believer but how can a person pick and choice who should be healed? I thought the longer I had cancer the more I would be able to deal with it better but it seems to be the opposite the long I have it the less I can "deal" or " handle", I don't know it's so frustrating.. If  i was to give it a shot, is there any one in lakeland who claims they can do this? I am willing to try almost any thing at this point.

Ignorance is bliss.......

So I have got use to children pointing and staring at my very bald head but what I can not seem to get use to is grown ass people pointing, laughing, talking, making comments, or staring at me. Didn't your parents ever teach you any damn manners? Do you not know what doing this to some one can do to them? The past week I have really put myself out there. I took the kids to many fall festivals, to legoland, to tricker treating, I went back to school today with a whole new group of people I had never met before. So needless to say I have been around people who don't know me or what I am going threw and it has amazed me at the level of ignorance and honestly I don't know how much more I can take. At this point I go to school because I want to learn and I want to be there and these children make me want to stay home far far away from them. I feel like I am in high school again. The looks, the stares, the smart comments, the snickering and talking behind my back, how much is a person expected to deal with and brush off before they have had all they can take.....I don't know that answer but after one night of class I am almost there. I got a dean's list award tonight as well but all I could think of is how I made that stupid B and so I didn't get Presidents list :(  Then to top it all of I am sociology and the teacher wants peoples opinion on things that people don't usually talk about for fear of starting controversy. Like racism, religion, cultureism, every thing. I noticed tonight that my thought's and opinions and how I see the world is much MUCH different then those of whom I go to school with.  In the words of Maranda Lambert "Life is to short but it's to long to live like some country song".  I guess people don't expect me to express my opinion and not care if others share that view.