Update...

I know it has been a while but been trying to keep up with my school work and things have been stressful. My hubby Bobby found a job so that relieves some stress but also creates some stress. I got letters in the mail from my insurance company any they are denying more of my meds. This is it's both of my chemo meds. I don't know what to do any more. The center said they will handle it but they can only push so much. How can they tell me that my chemo is not medically necessary? With out it I would die way sooner like within a year.....I am so tired I can't even think straight but I am trying be ok for my babies. I love going to school but I have gotten the the point i just don't want to do it any more.Which is sad cause I have come so far.

My friend's, More Like My Family.......

I wanted to write this because as time has went on threw my ups and downs with this cancer, there have been some people in my life who have seen me go threw some things and they are still here and still treat me like I am the same Heidi I was pre crappy cancer! lol

First I want to thank my amazing (blood) family. My mom who has been there for me threw this whole thing while going threw her own stuff. My dad Jack who shortly after finding out that I had cancer found out that my sister Bev also had the same cancer but was always brave about it. My grandparents who came every time I was in the hospital no matter what and where always there for me even when they had things going on. My brothers for being supportive and Mike for dealing with my school when I just no longer had the strength to deal. My sister Misty and her hubyb and kids for always keeping my in their thoughts and prayers. My cuz TJ because when I am hangin out with him it's to hard to feel sorry for myself cause his energy wont let me! My sisters Rachel and Steph I want to see them sooooo bad!! I miss them soo much! My daughters Trinity and Abbigale because they are the reason I keep going on this roller coaster!

Then I want to thank My wonderful Family (Married). My Husband who is not always the most understanding but is always here for me and takes care of me! His mom who is wonderful with the kids and always trys to make me feel better when I am feeling yucky. His moms hubby Jerry who always just tells it like it is, I can always have a convo with him because we don't sugar coat things. My hubby's little brother and sister Cody and Thea, they are good kids always willing to help even when they aren't asked.

Finally I want to thank my Family (friends). My bestie Katie we have been there so much BS but we are always here for each other! The brothers (lol) Pat and Matt, I love you guys for never treating me like I am any different then the person you used to know. Kris for being my newest cheerleader, I love your spunk! Chris for talking to me a lot on FB and cheering me up. Amber you are never sad, I wish I had your outlook and you always give me a good laugh. Caroline you and your girls are such good people and you don't find good people enough these days! Amanda, Cassie, Becky, David, Dawn, Jered, and Vanesa I don't get to hang out or talk to you guys much but you have all been very supportive and that means a lot to me!

Sorry if I forgot any one... I did not mean to!! lol

Remission.....

So ( and yes  I know I start every blog with "so" :P ) My last chemo is Nov. 3rd and after that I will have a CT scan of my abdomen, chest, and pelvic again, this will show how my tumors are doing compared to last time I had the scans done. My doctor seems very optimistic about me going into remission and I should know before thanks giving if I am infact in remission or not. While I am not as optimistic as my doctor, only because I can't imagine being this sick and being in remission. I think I know my body pretty well even with the cancer taking over it but my doctor is a sweet man who is always very up beat and encouraging.

Remission scares the hell out of me!!!

For one even thought I will not feel 100% I will need to find a job because they don't give disability to people who are in remission. Don't get me wrong I don't mind working but I do mind still not being able to function properly to keep a job :( . For two I will spend every day wondering ..." is it coming back?" .. "Is that a symptom?"......." Am I getting sick again?"....." When will it come back?" ......"Will I catch it in time when it comes back?"  The questions are endless really. So where I would love to be cancer free (sort of) or in remission as they call it, I am scared to death of it. But on the same hand I am scared to death not to go into remission because as of December it will be my 1 year of my so called 5 year statistic which is also a scary thing to think about. Where has my year gone? I don't know.

On a none cancer note tomorrow starts our mission to be on a schedule... I know laughable but we need it. Not so much a timed one but there are certain things that need to be done during the day that are not getting done every day, so to solve that we put it in our day every day till it is habit. I think it will be great for the kids. But we will see how it goes.

Sick ..again....

So today started off by being woken up by Bobby who says I need to wake up to take Abbi to the ER.... Oh no what now is the first thing that runs threw my head. Every thing is ok her and Trinie have Mouth Hands and Feet disease which is just a name for a virus that is like chicken poxs but not lol. So they both have head to toe rashes except on their tummys, I mean it is even in their mouth and the bottoms of their feet. On a day where they don't feel well and just want to be cuddled I am sick as hell.

I am sick to my stomach, tired, crampy, bleeding, just in general all over pain. It's days like today that I just want to go to sleep and stay that way.

Insurance Companies

So my Doctor gave me a Rx for med's that would help me feel better. I took it down to the CVS which is the only place that takes my insurance. Once again I wont be getting this Rx because my insurance say's it's not "medically necessary". This is the 6th time they have told me NO and gave me the big F U!

The first time it was for my 2nd round of chemo and my doctor fought for me and jumped threw hoops and got my my chemo. Then it was for the drug I needed to go with the chemo called Emend, they didn't want to pay for that because it was $300 a package ( which is only 3 pills per pack). Then again with my shot's that I give myself they wouldn't pay for the 1 shot so instead I am stuck giving my self  7 shot's and then still they wouldn't pay for those either. Thank god because those where a BIG DEAL to my recovery after chemo my social worker at my dr's office found a pharmacy that would give me these 2 Rx for free! After all that my insurance has denied me having a PET scan and now 3 other medications. Including the one I need now. I can't afford to pay for it but they don't care and when I call them they lie to my face and say they didn't denied it when I get a letter in the mail every time they denied some thing.

What I would give to feel normal again :(

Chemo....

So today I talked to the Doctor before chemo and he says that after my next one I have to go for more ct scans to see how my tumors are doing. He seems to think there is a good chance that they could just poof and be gone, me on the other hand I am very skeptical. Don't get me wrong I would love to be cancer free but it's hard to have that sort of optimism. So depending on the what the scans say will depend on doing more chemo.... and when I mean more I mean Doc says we keep going till my body can't take it any more :(

He says I can take a break cause bobby brought it to his attention that I am unhappy so to speak doing chemo all the time that I would like a break. Doc was ok with that but only a couple week break any thing more would mean growth. Some after my scans we will have a long conversation about chemo or no chemo. They actually call my 3 weeks between chemo's a "break" ha ha don't make me laugh!!!

Sitting here is a humbling experience. Here I am 27, hooked up to a machine that is " saving my life" and I am miserable.... They lady next to me... well she's so perky and upbeat that I feel horrible for being so sad and unhappy. Now to my other side is an older man ( much older.. I am the "baby" of this place so lol) He walks by me with a chemo nurse being a smart ass old man and she asks him "whats the matter" his replay " I am having a shitty day". I thought poor old man.... but no I thought wrong as he goes to leave because he was only getting his shot he shouts making all the nurses giggle and blush "I never had so much fun with my clothes still on!!" O my... again I feel so ungrateful sitting here unhappy, uncomfy, and sad.

~~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@ Intermission ~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@ 
Ok sorry about that folks when the meds started kicking in I passed out from lack of sleep last night. The kids had a ruff night both running fevers all night and even threw out today.

I am home from chemo now, was one of the last one's to leave. My babies are falling asleep after having their med's. Bobby Went with me and got to see how every thing goes and watch me sleep because I was out almost of whole time. My doc gave me a prescription for some med's to help me be more comfy when I use the potty so bobby went and dropped it off for me. When he got back he did not have good news. It would help so much with the bleeding and pain but cvs says sorry your insurance don't pay for this and it's 91$ a bottle :( not sure how big the bottle is but I do know I was supposed to use it 3 times a day but at 91 bucks a bottle I just can't afford that for med's, So I will deal..... I can do this! grr

Time Again To Make Some Hard Choices...

So I am going to start of by giving a warning of sorts. When I chose to write about my life and my cancer I wanted my blog to be a place where I could vent about my life and my cancer, with out feeling like I was "whining" to people. Because here people can read or they can choose not to. Well what I am about to talk about some people can not "deal" with and that's ok there is a X button at the top right hand corner that you can click on if I make you uncomfortable. There's my warning :)

Thursday is my chemo day and will be only one more chemo to go after that one, so it is time to make some choices and get some information. I will have to ask the hard questions about what comes next for me. I know what I think I want and I also know that MANY people do not agree with what I want. I would like to just stop and live the rest of my life to the fullest without being sick and tired all the time. I know the consequences of this choice and that's why I am not sure if it's what I want even though I do think it's what I want. It's a hard choice to make my mind up one way or the other.... guess I will have to see what the doctor has to say.

Don't like playing the "victim"....

I am not one to play the "victim". When people tell me they are sorry I got cancer my response is always the same "It's ok" because to me it is. I feel like I was chosen to have cancer so that some one else would not have to suffer threw it ( like one of my kids or some one elses kids) and for me thinking that way helped me deal with the news very quickly. Now yes I have my moments where I am in so much pain that I do the "woo with me" but every one does. But I have never had any one make me feel bad about myself because I have cancer.... that is until today. I was approved for a program to help me pay for college called the WIA program threw polk works. I was told by my case worker every thing was set and ready just needed the check. Well before my check could be made out My case worker left polk works and I was givin to her boss. I called this morning to talk to her and to check on my voucher status and never in my life has some one treated me the way this lady treated me.... This is the short of it that I posted on my FB you will get the point:

I thought I lived in America where it is illegal to discriminate against people for their race, gender,sexual orientation or disablilty! but no I guess I thought wrong because today I was discriminate against for having cancer....I have never been made to feel like me having cancer is my own fault and i should just go crawl in a whole some where and die but today i was told I am not worth some one... wasting their time, effort or the governments money to help me with school. That I shouldn't be going to school in the first place that it is a waste of every ones time and effort. I am sorry that some people see me as such a fucking inconvenience but I work my ass off to keep a 4.0 no one helps me, I don't ask for extra help or special treatment from any one at school but yet i still maintain a 4.0. SO thank you Mrs. Baptise for making it seem i am not worth the space i take up and thank you for reminding me that not every one is supportive and understanding... just when I was starting to think that people weren't as bad as I thought they would be, guess you proved me wrong.