Admitted....

So yesterday I got sent to the ER for a nosebleed and ended up admitted to the hospital. All my counts where to low and I needed to see the ent. I wont go into detail about what's going on, cause frankly you all pretty much know. But some thing did happen today that... i don't know... That I thought I would never let get to me.

I was coming up in the elevator, in my own clothes ( not a hospital thingy), in a wheelchair, with my mask on to be brought to my room. In the elevator there was me and my tiny little transport guy. We got on it at floor 1 and there was a doctor looking lady who had pressed to go to 3. well the elevator stopped at 2 and she hurried out of it like a bad outa hell the guy pointed out it was only 2 and she had pressed 3, she said while hauling ass "o don't worry about it ill take the stairs". OK I thought... I am just being sensitive she didn't get out because of me. maybe she did...honestly don't know what I do know is we got to floor 3 and there where a family, a man, woman and their small child. There was PLENTY of room in the elevator for them but they took one look at me grab their kid and said "we will wait for the next one" and staired at me in disgust while we waited for the door to close. They looked at me like I would infect them if they got in the elevator with me. I have never let this get to me because I know people are so fucking ignorant but today the looks on their faces I was just not in the mood to deal with. I am not contagious people, I have cancer not TB, I am not disgusting just because I don't have any hair due to chemo for my cancer. It's not a fashion statement, I'm not trying to "rebel" I wear a mask not to make you afraid of me but because I am afraid of YOU. I can't hurt you but what you don't know you have or are carrying can KILL me. Think about that the next time you look at me and judge me but have no clue what I am going threw.

Xmas....

So I had my last chemo a couple of days before xmas and my platelets where very low so there was a worry of me bleeding out but I have made it past a great xmas and to now and no brushing or bleeding! My next dr. appointment is on the 10th and for once i am only nervous about my counts. I am hoping to make it to that appointment without incident even if that means staying home for new years. Sad but has to be done this year but I will have fun with my babes and lots of video games and hopefully fireworks! O and my dr finally fixed my sleeping issue i am sleeping way more then i was able to before thank goodness. I am excited about Jan being cervical cancer awareness month because I don't think there is enough awareness about this cancer like there is for others like breast and prostate. So every one wear your teal!! :P

Soup for the Soul....

Yesterday I made Portuguese kale soup for my family that came over. I wasn't sure how it was gonna turn out but I loved it, so I thought I would share.

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon finely chopped garlic
• 1/2 cup diced onions
• 1 bunch kale, stemmed and roughly chopped
• 6 ounces chopped chourico (spicy Portuguese sausage), or chorizo
• 3 bay leaves
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh thyme leaves
• 6 cups beef stock
• 6 ounces diced tomatoes
• 10 ounces diced potatoes

Directions

In a large stock pot, heat the oil over medium-high heat. Add the garlic, onions, and cook for 5 minutes. Add the kale, chourico, bay leaves, parsley and thyme and mix well. Add the beef stock, and tomatoes. Bring the soup to a boil, and then reduce the heat to low and simmer for 30 to 40 minutes.

Meanwhile, in a medium saucepan, bring salted water to a boil and add the diced potatoes. Cook until tender, about 10 minutes. Drain the potatoes and add them to the soup.
Remove the bay leaves and serve hot.

you can add more veggies if you like at the same time you put in the tomatoes!

Information....

I was looking for answers and to reach out and just talk to people that are going threw what I am. I came upon this site whatnext.com It is run by the American cancer society. Threw it I also found a suport group on facebook for women with my condition! It's been great, so I thought I would share!

One more chemo....

so next week I will have my last chemo. I can feel myself getting stronger but at the same time I feel so sick and emotionally I can feel my self going into self destruct mode so to speak. I am reaching out and hopefuly that will help because no one around me really understands. Not that all of you aren't very supportive because you are and I love you for that but you think I should feel a certain way and for some reason that I am not sure of I just can't seem to do that.... I will update you after chemo next week for now I am gonna focus on tomorrow! I get to see my sisters after soooo long I am very excited about that!

Let's Try This Again......

So tomorrow I go to chemo to try once again to get chemo. I will get my blood drawn and if my levels are good I will get it. Doing my 1st 2 weeks of nursing class at home due to the amount of pain I am in. Thanks giving was good got to be with the family and not in the hospital so that's always a plus.

Storm before the calm?.......

So i know that the saying goes the calm before the storm but I feel like I am living that backwards. I find out I am in remission and me and my doctor decide to be careful and do 2 more chemo's hoping it would give me more time in remission. I tried to get excited about the thought of getting better and was starting to until I went to get chemo today......

I had some chest pain yesterday at school but thought nothing of it and been a little dizzy but again thought nothing of it. So they got my port ready and drew some blood for the lab. I waited for the results and all of a sudden one of my nurses hurry's over and tells me that my WBC, RBC and platelets are VERY very low. To add to that lovely news I was so anemic that I am having heart palpitations. Tomorrow I go and get another blood transfusion and yes for those who are counting I just had one 2 and 1/2 weeks ago. So we will try chemo again next week but I am just glad that we found this now and not when the pain in my chest was so bad that I ended up in the ER.

Hopefully things will calm down soon.

Remission.......

So on November 15th 2011 I was surprisingly told that I Heidi Graham am in remission. Me and the doctor where equally surprised. I was told there was no research on where I am right now because of the type of cancer I have and it being SOOO far along. So i will do 2 more chemo's just to make sure there isn't any thing that we can't see.

At first I was just scared because I know it WILL come back, even the doctor say's it will. but after about a week I think I am at a better place. I want to have a remission party with my girl friends and drink and giggle and just have fun and celebrate being able to be a woman again VERY soon. By new years I should be well on my way to feeling great, i will never forget that I have cancer but for a while I just want to focus on being a woman and being a mommy and being empowered to celebrate both. I am on a mission!

Update.....

So had the blood transfusion last Friday and ended up getting sick with brocituis woo hoo right? I go on Friday to get 3 ct scans to look at my progression and to see if maybe I am in remission. I'll know on the 15th which is crazy because that is my baby girl Trinity's 4th Birthday. But toight I was watching the CMA's and Martina sang her song " Im gonna love you threw it" I cry every time I hear this song. I guess because I feel like no matter what no one can "love me" threw it. Nothing is gonna change, nothing is going to get easier even though I have spent a year thinking it would. I am sure people are getting tired of taking care of me and of my kids, especially when I am sitting right there but they have to deal with them because I can't. Maybe I am just starting to feel liking an "inconvenience".

Faith Healing?......

So there is a man named Todd Bentley that claims that he can heal people of cancer, blindness, and other things that are terminally ill. Tomorrow I have my last chemo and I will have test done to see if I am in remission but I know my body. I am not in remission. I want to believe that there are people who threw god can cure people of cancer like this man claims he can but I find it hard to believe because if you have this wonderful gift then why would you make people pay for it? The people who need healing are poor people, people who can't afford the meds when medicaid stops paying for them, people who have no insurance at all. I want to be a believer but how can a person pick and choice who should be healed? I thought the longer I had cancer the more I would be able to deal with it better but it seems to be the opposite the long I have it the less I can "deal" or " handle", I don't know it's so frustrating.. If  i was to give it a shot, is there any one in lakeland who claims they can do this? I am willing to try almost any thing at this point.

Ignorance is bliss.......

So I have got use to children pointing and staring at my very bald head but what I can not seem to get use to is grown ass people pointing, laughing, talking, making comments, or staring at me. Didn't your parents ever teach you any damn manners? Do you not know what doing this to some one can do to them? The past week I have really put myself out there. I took the kids to many fall festivals, to legoland, to tricker treating, I went back to school today with a whole new group of people I had never met before. So needless to say I have been around people who don't know me or what I am going threw and it has amazed me at the level of ignorance and honestly I don't know how much more I can take. At this point I go to school because I want to learn and I want to be there and these children make me want to stay home far far away from them. I feel like I am in high school again. The looks, the stares, the smart comments, the snickering and talking behind my back, how much is a person expected to deal with and brush off before they have had all they can take.....I don't know that answer but after one night of class I am almost there. I got a dean's list award tonight as well but all I could think of is how I made that stupid B and so I didn't get Presidents list :(  Then to top it all of I am sociology and the teacher wants peoples opinion on things that people don't usually talk about for fear of starting controversy. Like racism, religion, cultureism, every thing. I noticed tonight that my thought's and opinions and how I see the world is much MUCH different then those of whom I go to school with.  In the words of Maranda Lambert "Life is to short but it's to long to live like some country song".  I guess people don't expect me to express my opinion and not care if others share that view.

Update...

I know it has been a while but been trying to keep up with my school work and things have been stressful. My hubby Bobby found a job so that relieves some stress but also creates some stress. I got letters in the mail from my insurance company any they are denying more of my meds. This is it's both of my chemo meds. I don't know what to do any more. The center said they will handle it but they can only push so much. How can they tell me that my chemo is not medically necessary? With out it I would die way sooner like within a year.....I am so tired I can't even think straight but I am trying be ok for my babies. I love going to school but I have gotten the the point i just don't want to do it any more.Which is sad cause I have come so far.

My friend's, More Like My Family.......

I wanted to write this because as time has went on threw my ups and downs with this cancer, there have been some people in my life who have seen me go threw some things and they are still here and still treat me like I am the same Heidi I was pre crappy cancer! lol

First I want to thank my amazing (blood) family. My mom who has been there for me threw this whole thing while going threw her own stuff. My dad Jack who shortly after finding out that I had cancer found out that my sister Bev also had the same cancer but was always brave about it. My grandparents who came every time I was in the hospital no matter what and where always there for me even when they had things going on. My brothers for being supportive and Mike for dealing with my school when I just no longer had the strength to deal. My sister Misty and her hubyb and kids for always keeping my in their thoughts and prayers. My cuz TJ because when I am hangin out with him it's to hard to feel sorry for myself cause his energy wont let me! My sisters Rachel and Steph I want to see them sooooo bad!! I miss them soo much! My daughters Trinity and Abbigale because they are the reason I keep going on this roller coaster!

Then I want to thank My wonderful Family (Married). My Husband who is not always the most understanding but is always here for me and takes care of me! His mom who is wonderful with the kids and always trys to make me feel better when I am feeling yucky. His moms hubby Jerry who always just tells it like it is, I can always have a convo with him because we don't sugar coat things. My hubby's little brother and sister Cody and Thea, they are good kids always willing to help even when they aren't asked.

Finally I want to thank my Family (friends). My bestie Katie we have been there so much BS but we are always here for each other! The brothers (lol) Pat and Matt, I love you guys for never treating me like I am any different then the person you used to know. Kris for being my newest cheerleader, I love your spunk! Chris for talking to me a lot on FB and cheering me up. Amber you are never sad, I wish I had your outlook and you always give me a good laugh. Caroline you and your girls are such good people and you don't find good people enough these days! Amanda, Cassie, Becky, David, Dawn, Jered, and Vanesa I don't get to hang out or talk to you guys much but you have all been very supportive and that means a lot to me!

Sorry if I forgot any one... I did not mean to!! lol

Remission.....

So ( and yes  I know I start every blog with "so" :P ) My last chemo is Nov. 3rd and after that I will have a CT scan of my abdomen, chest, and pelvic again, this will show how my tumors are doing compared to last time I had the scans done. My doctor seems very optimistic about me going into remission and I should know before thanks giving if I am infact in remission or not. While I am not as optimistic as my doctor, only because I can't imagine being this sick and being in remission. I think I know my body pretty well even with the cancer taking over it but my doctor is a sweet man who is always very up beat and encouraging.

Remission scares the hell out of me!!!

For one even thought I will not feel 100% I will need to find a job because they don't give disability to people who are in remission. Don't get me wrong I don't mind working but I do mind still not being able to function properly to keep a job :( . For two I will spend every day wondering ..." is it coming back?" .. "Is that a symptom?"......." Am I getting sick again?"....." When will it come back?" ......"Will I catch it in time when it comes back?"  The questions are endless really. So where I would love to be cancer free (sort of) or in remission as they call it, I am scared to death of it. But on the same hand I am scared to death not to go into remission because as of December it will be my 1 year of my so called 5 year statistic which is also a scary thing to think about. Where has my year gone? I don't know.

On a none cancer note tomorrow starts our mission to be on a schedule... I know laughable but we need it. Not so much a timed one but there are certain things that need to be done during the day that are not getting done every day, so to solve that we put it in our day every day till it is habit. I think it will be great for the kids. But we will see how it goes.

Sick ..again....

So today started off by being woken up by Bobby who says I need to wake up to take Abbi to the ER.... Oh no what now is the first thing that runs threw my head. Every thing is ok her and Trinie have Mouth Hands and Feet disease which is just a name for a virus that is like chicken poxs but not lol. So they both have head to toe rashes except on their tummys, I mean it is even in their mouth and the bottoms of their feet. On a day where they don't feel well and just want to be cuddled I am sick as hell.

I am sick to my stomach, tired, crampy, bleeding, just in general all over pain. It's days like today that I just want to go to sleep and stay that way.

Insurance Companies

So my Doctor gave me a Rx for med's that would help me feel better. I took it down to the CVS which is the only place that takes my insurance. Once again I wont be getting this Rx because my insurance say's it's not "medically necessary". This is the 6th time they have told me NO and gave me the big F U!

The first time it was for my 2nd round of chemo and my doctor fought for me and jumped threw hoops and got my my chemo. Then it was for the drug I needed to go with the chemo called Emend, they didn't want to pay for that because it was $300 a package ( which is only 3 pills per pack). Then again with my shot's that I give myself they wouldn't pay for the 1 shot so instead I am stuck giving my self  7 shot's and then still they wouldn't pay for those either. Thank god because those where a BIG DEAL to my recovery after chemo my social worker at my dr's office found a pharmacy that would give me these 2 Rx for free! After all that my insurance has denied me having a PET scan and now 3 other medications. Including the one I need now. I can't afford to pay for it but they don't care and when I call them they lie to my face and say they didn't denied it when I get a letter in the mail every time they denied some thing.

What I would give to feel normal again :(

Chemo....

So today I talked to the Doctor before chemo and he says that after my next one I have to go for more ct scans to see how my tumors are doing. He seems to think there is a good chance that they could just poof and be gone, me on the other hand I am very skeptical. Don't get me wrong I would love to be cancer free but it's hard to have that sort of optimism. So depending on the what the scans say will depend on doing more chemo.... and when I mean more I mean Doc says we keep going till my body can't take it any more :(

He says I can take a break cause bobby brought it to his attention that I am unhappy so to speak doing chemo all the time that I would like a break. Doc was ok with that but only a couple week break any thing more would mean growth. Some after my scans we will have a long conversation about chemo or no chemo. They actually call my 3 weeks between chemo's a "break" ha ha don't make me laugh!!!

Sitting here is a humbling experience. Here I am 27, hooked up to a machine that is " saving my life" and I am miserable.... They lady next to me... well she's so perky and upbeat that I feel horrible for being so sad and unhappy. Now to my other side is an older man ( much older.. I am the "baby" of this place so lol) He walks by me with a chemo nurse being a smart ass old man and she asks him "whats the matter" his replay " I am having a shitty day". I thought poor old man.... but no I thought wrong as he goes to leave because he was only getting his shot he shouts making all the nurses giggle and blush "I never had so much fun with my clothes still on!!" O my... again I feel so ungrateful sitting here unhappy, uncomfy, and sad.

~~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@ Intermission ~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@ 
Ok sorry about that folks when the meds started kicking in I passed out from lack of sleep last night. The kids had a ruff night both running fevers all night and even threw out today.

I am home from chemo now, was one of the last one's to leave. My babies are falling asleep after having their med's. Bobby Went with me and got to see how every thing goes and watch me sleep because I was out almost of whole time. My doc gave me a prescription for some med's to help me be more comfy when I use the potty so bobby went and dropped it off for me. When he got back he did not have good news. It would help so much with the bleeding and pain but cvs says sorry your insurance don't pay for this and it's 91$ a bottle :( not sure how big the bottle is but I do know I was supposed to use it 3 times a day but at 91 bucks a bottle I just can't afford that for med's, So I will deal..... I can do this! grr

Time Again To Make Some Hard Choices...

So I am going to start of by giving a warning of sorts. When I chose to write about my life and my cancer I wanted my blog to be a place where I could vent about my life and my cancer, with out feeling like I was "whining" to people. Because here people can read or they can choose not to. Well what I am about to talk about some people can not "deal" with and that's ok there is a X button at the top right hand corner that you can click on if I make you uncomfortable. There's my warning :)

Thursday is my chemo day and will be only one more chemo to go after that one, so it is time to make some choices and get some information. I will have to ask the hard questions about what comes next for me. I know what I think I want and I also know that MANY people do not agree with what I want. I would like to just stop and live the rest of my life to the fullest without being sick and tired all the time. I know the consequences of this choice and that's why I am not sure if it's what I want even though I do think it's what I want. It's a hard choice to make my mind up one way or the other.... guess I will have to see what the doctor has to say.

Don't like playing the "victim"....

I am not one to play the "victim". When people tell me they are sorry I got cancer my response is always the same "It's ok" because to me it is. I feel like I was chosen to have cancer so that some one else would not have to suffer threw it ( like one of my kids or some one elses kids) and for me thinking that way helped me deal with the news very quickly. Now yes I have my moments where I am in so much pain that I do the "woo with me" but every one does. But I have never had any one make me feel bad about myself because I have cancer.... that is until today. I was approved for a program to help me pay for college called the WIA program threw polk works. I was told by my case worker every thing was set and ready just needed the check. Well before my check could be made out My case worker left polk works and I was givin to her boss. I called this morning to talk to her and to check on my voucher status and never in my life has some one treated me the way this lady treated me.... This is the short of it that I posted on my FB you will get the point:

I thought I lived in America where it is illegal to discriminate against people for their race, gender,sexual orientation or disablilty! but no I guess I thought wrong because today I was discriminate against for having cancer....I have never been made to feel like me having cancer is my own fault and i should just go crawl in a whole some where and die but today i was told I am not worth some one... wasting their time, effort or the governments money to help me with school. That I shouldn't be going to school in the first place that it is a waste of every ones time and effort. I am sorry that some people see me as such a fucking inconvenience but I work my ass off to keep a 4.0 no one helps me, I don't ask for extra help or special treatment from any one at school but yet i still maintain a 4.0. SO thank you Mrs. Baptise for making it seem i am not worth the space i take up and thank you for reminding me that not every one is supportive and understanding... just when I was starting to think that people weren't as bad as I thought they would be, guess you proved me wrong.

Past few days...

I am starting to fell better now that things are starting to calm down. The more stress I have the more my symptoms act up. I had an allergic reaction to my blood transfusion, which gave me a rash all over me but that has passed thankfully... was tired of itching! lol

My grandmother got put into the hospital Sunday with CHF (congestive heart failure) and pneumonia. I am glad that she listens to my advice but I am not sure why me out of all of the family but I am glad she does because now shes getting the treatment she needs. I wish I could be at the hospital with her more so that I knew she was getting the best care and feel like I am letting her down by not being there.

When she was feeling very ill grandma said she was ready to give up.... that breaks my heart because on one hand I want to shake her and tell her you have to keep fighting..... for me for the grandbabies.... but on the other hand I can relate to how she feels and have come to realize when that time comes it is only her choice she can not continue to live for me or for any one else but herself just like I have had to tell bobby when the time comes where I have had enough he has to let it be my choice and just be as supportive as he can be which I know is a horribly hard thing to do in any case.

On another note having to go see a GI doctor to see if maybe that is where I am losing all my blood... it's like a vampire comes every night and just sucks the life out of me lol

" Tomorrow is another day but for today I am gonna keep on trying"

Blood Transfusion....

Yesterday I had my 3rd blood transfusion. My blood level was 7 and it needed to be over 10, so I got 3 units of blood. Every one says that this would help me feel soooo much better but so far I just feel tired and when I say tired I mean I slept all night and got up around 8am and was back in bed by 9:30am which I slept till 1pm. I am awake now but want so badly to just go back to bed.

I also started my shots again last night, this seems to be making me feel worse also and not any better. I think I have 2 more chemo treatments that I don't know if I can handle. The doctor warned me that the more I had chemo the worse I would feel but I did not expect to feel like I did the first time. because I had done so well this far.

I'll post more tomorrow just don't have the energy to do this.....

Results...

Today I had chemo.... Have I mentioned I hate chemo? But I also got to have a convo with my amazing dr.. If ny one is wondering his name is Dr. Boothby from the lakeland cancer center these people are amazing and have been wonderful, so if your looking for the best care this place is the best. lol Now backt o what I was talking about.

Dr. says that my CT scans came back wonderful. My lymph nodes are normal again in my lungs and the tumor in there has shrunk a lot, which mean the chemo is working. Down side if I stop chemo all the the tumors will just grow again and I would only have about a year to live. On top of chemo I am taking the immune shots again and on top of that I will get a blood transfusion of 3 units tomorrow. Hopefully this will give me the energy I need to get to school for my final week of phlebotomy.

I took my quiz yesterday and I pulled venis puncture with a vacutainer and I got an 100% yay I am trying very hard to not let every thing get to me so I can still focus on school.

Make's My Day.....

Today I went and picked up my oldest up from my mom's house and her explanation of her night was the cutest thing ever. She told me that she got to play with her BFF last night and eat cake and ice cream with my sister and her kids. She told me that her cousin Chase scared her and she in turn scared him and that he liked to read papa's books. She told me that she wants to take her cousin Arianna ( which is her BFF) swimming and to the park and have a sleep over. She was soooo excited that I just sat there and listened to her and enjoyed her excitement. It's times like this when my cancer takes a back seat. I become just a mom enjoying a conversation with her baby. It's days and times like that when I have hope and feel some what normal. I am so glad she had a good time with her cousins. Seeing her happy just makes my day!!

Some things have changed.....

It has been a few since I wrote last and a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. Me and my family moved into my husbands mom's house which is turning out to be wonderful for the kids. I am still on chemo and still have no hair. I started giving myself shots 2 weeks ago and go back for another treatment on the 22nd where they will take my blood and see if I need to do more shots to improve my white blood cell count. I am so tired of being tired which I am sure every one doing chemo can relate to. I am still in school and learning how to stick people which I am actually loving.


Emotionally I am all over the place. Some days I just don't want to do it any more, don't want to get out of bed and don't want to talk or see any one.

I hope I am ok enough to stop doing the shot because they are scary...... The 3rd night of taking them I took a pain med because they put me into a lot of pain and i went to bed. Around 9 I got up and went out side for what I told my husband was some air. I walked across the street to the park sat on a swing and then with in minutes I had no idea where I was. An hour later my husband found me after driving around for ever looking for me. I had asked a man walking down the street if he knew where I lived, of course he didn't even know who I was much less where I lived. It's scary to not know where or even who you are. The shots also made my anxiety go threw the roof. All some one had to do was talk to me about any thing that made me nervous or uncomfy and I would shake uncontrollably.

I was told about this drug who has helped people with stage 4 cancer. I am going to talk to my doctor about it because I am under the impression it is for people with lung cancer but we will see. Down side the major side effect is death. I will know more about where I will be after this round of chemo because I had 3 ct's down last Monday and will know the results on the 22nd.

Fight so far......

I'll start by starting at the beginning. In Dec of 2010 I was diagnosed with Cancer. Just 15 months after giving birth to my youngest child Abbigale. It was probably the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me but I dealt with it pretty well. I can remember that day like it just happened. They finally did my pelvic exam after months and months of me bleeding and the doctor leaves for me to get dressed and comes back in and just blurts out that I have cervical cancer and leaves. All I could think was " how can you just come in and say that to me and then just walk away and not help me understand this". After that it took them about a month to finally get me to an oncologist. When I started at the Lakeland cancer center the doctors there are amazing and started my treatment right away. During my first round of chemo and radiation I was sent for many MRI's, CAT scans and blood transfusions and was so sick I could barley get out of bed. After one of these scans, I came in for my radiation.... it was a Monday and my grandfather was sitting out in the lobby waiting for me when the Doctor said she needed to speak to me. I was not ready for what she was about to tell me. The scan had shown that there was cancer in my liver and my lung, which meant that I had stage 4 cancer. I again dealt with this very well, only really being scared of losing my children.

I did 35 treatments of external radiation, which when you have cervical caner you can not be shy because you are fully exposed to get this radiation but the girls I had where wonderful and respectful. I also had 3 internal radiation treatments, which if you have never had are HORRIBLE!! During this time I really thought about giving up. I was not on chemo but still recovering from it. There was about a 2 months period between the time I stopped chemo and the time I started coughing really bad. I went to the ER many times always going home with the same thing..... "you have bronchitis". No.... No I didn't have bronchitis..... They finally did another CT scan and came back to tell me the bad news.... My cancer in my lung had grew 1 cm. Between the news and my coughing I thought this is it. I was going to die.

That was a month ago. Today I am back on chemo and not coughing any more. I lost my hair over the weekend and I thought it was going to be ok and I am ok with it but when I get around large groups of people I just become overly paranoid. I should have been happy last Wednesday at my colleges award ceremony. I was getting my presidents award for having a 4.0 for the last 3 months. But all I could do was worry about who was looking, or talking or laughing at me.

This has been my fight so far....